SOMETHING TO BE PROUD OF. that was rich coming from someone like them. ky didn’t want a fight; he wanted deep down to let his more demonic part consume him. to no longer have to feel anything. it would have been easier than this struggle, but something always prevented him from giving in. something always managed to hold him doubt.
“i’ve chose nothing!” his voice raised quite louder than he intended as he ran a hand through his hair. “— this fight isn’t mine. it’s never been mine.” however, the truth of the matter was it was his – it always was his fight. he just didn’t see it that way. “all it is… is pointless fighting.”
“YES, IT WILL,” ABDIEL SNAPPED. he grew tired of this. he did not like to show it, but god, the half demon was exhausting, always fighting, always snapping, always on the fence. he’d never had to deal with a more difficult creature, one that tested his patience so fiercely. his eyes hardened into an icy glare, frustrated though not entirely without sympathy.
“bound for hell is fucking nonsense, and i think you know it.” nothing was set in stone, and nothing could convince the seraph otherwise. destiny could always be changed. destiny was to occur if one traveled along the same path, if they refused to change or entertain the possibility of change. destiny was never a fixed thing. that was what most people forgot. you could change; that was the ugly truth none wanted to confront. “nothing can change it, and you’re right. but you can. nothing and no one else. you can try to fight it, or give in and say that nothing can be changed.”
abdiel wondered what the disconnect was. how could faith or conviction be so important to him, how could he be so ready to catch himself, when others were so far behind? how could others misunderstand so deeply as to think themselves trapped? his features softened. “not giving in? yeah, that’s going to be the hard part. but it’ll be easy after that.” or not. nothing was ever easy, even for a seraph. even for a seraph that made everything look easy. “but you’re going to have to work with me here.”
“ALL THAT I KNOW IS THERE IS NOTHING I CAN DO!” he snapped back, teeth almost showing as he just about snarled. “i try as hard as I can, but nothing changes. i try not to give in, i do as best as i can, and then it all comes crumbling down.” it wasn’t exactly the truth; ky would give his own effort of trying, but then return right back into his quite nasty habits. time and time again it was the exact same thing. nothing changed… just his attitude towards the situation at large.
“YOU GO ON and on about not giving in, but here is the thing.” his eyes narrowed on the other for a few moments. “it doesn’t matter if i go a day, a week, a month, or a year with out some sort of violence. nor would it matter if i don’t go a while with out some sort of murder. it all comes down to the same exact situation. i give in, i let go of the control, and i’m back to square one.”
THAT WAS WHAT HE BELIEVED at least, but ky’lar had improved by most standards. he was getting better to the point he could resist what came easily to him. the only problem was most of the time he didn’t care nor did he believe it was necessary to control what came ‘naturally’. it was only in rare instances that the thought ( unlikely as it was ) ever passed him by. “the same cycle over and over again- working with you or otherwise… there is no chance – in heaven or hell – to change my fate.”
FAITH MISPLACED ? HIM ? perhaps his enthusiasm had gotten away with him. abdiel, the flame of zeal severe, always believing and hoping in those who didn’t deserve it. abdiel the pious, trying his best to save everyone. he could force nothing, but he could open others’ eyes, to make them see there were choices and pursuits boundless.
“EASY.” the seraph spoke lowly, but forcefully. a command. softly then, “easy,” as if to relieve a frightful horse. that there was a struggle at all told abdiel all he needed, that the half demon couldn’t have wanted this. “it doesn’t make you a child. it makes you alive. you know, i was like you once? a seraph. tempted to join lucifer. tempted to fall with him. i knew only on faith that father would take me back.” fearless he had been, riding across heaven’s widest plain, traversing through the stars. words of supplication whispered beneath his breath, heart bursting to give news of the rebellion.
“none of us know our place until we DECIDE where it is. fine, you’ve been lead to believe it’s a one way street. but i’m right here telling you now it’s NOT. it’s never too late for you to help yourself, to be where you want.”
“AND WHERE DO I WANT TO BE?” the question was asked with much more ANGER than intended, but the same REASONS were behind it. in the greater scheme of things, ky’lar was close to NOTHING; sure, he may have had a CHOICE ( or several of them ) LONG AGO, but as of this moment… he had NONE.
ACCORDING TO EVERYONE ( even himself it seemed ) he was no more than a CHILD grasping at straws. he had attempted to curb his VIOLENT tendencies, but FAILED to do so every time. if he was being honest, maybe he DIDN’T want to change, and that he deserved everything he had until this moment. it was those very thoughts that he attempted to push out of his mind for the time being.
“MAKING A DECISION WON’T CHANGE things.” nor would it ever in his mind. all it would do would more than likely make things worse – much more if he was being accurate. “i’ve been BOUND FOR HELL from the moment i was conceived.” a pause.”NOTHING CAN CHANGE THAT!”
IT WAS ONE STEP FORWARD AND THREE STEPS BACK. his rage was in most cases endless; a tidal storm waiting to be released. he could hold it back for a time, but eventually it crashed against everything it touched. ky’lar murdered and he never felt any emotion towards the lives he took. not until now; something was changing and he didn’t like it.
HE TOLD THE SERAPH as for the moment, he was closest being the demon could trust. the closest one he didn’t want to rip apart out of pure sport, but he wasn’t worth saving. no matter how hard he fought… no matter who believed in him… ky didn’t believe he deserved to be helped. in his kind he was just too far gone.
“ i am past helping, ” he said, eyes closing tightly. “ it’s different now. i feel – never mind. ” he was about to admit the truth, but then decided strongly against it. “ i shouldn’t have said anything . ”
ONCE HE HAD TRIED HARDER; to deny the existence of what he was and spend his entire time hidden away in darkness. for a time, it had protected himself, but that time was OVER. it was far easier now to walk in a CYCLE of hatred than attempt to change it. far easier to ACCEPT the fact that NOTHING could EVER be changed than try to fight it.
however, he NEVER truly gave in; it seemed like he did on most days, but still part of him FOUGHT. still part of him actually WANTED to be something more than what he was currently. even if the reality was a stark contrast – he was BOUND to be a demon. it didn’t matter how hard he wished to be something else… is final end point would be ENTIRELY hellfire bound and there was NOTHING he could do about it.
“It’s never enough,” he finally said. “it will NEVER be enough; no one can change that. not the family down below or the idiots on high.” his hands formed into tight fists as he continued on. “ NO MATTER WHAT I DO, it won’t even phase anyone. just a CHILD who can’t even understand their place in the grand scheme… no matter how hard they try or what they do!”
“SOME ADVICE ?” he didn’t ask for it at all , but the seraph was going to give it to him anyway . it was the least he could do for not being received by any of his siblings . he despised any trip of any length to hell enough , while he bore it with as much grace and patience as befitted him . “when we think we don’t have a choice , is when we have the most difficult choice of all .”
“THE CHOICE to live or die.” it was a simple truth in the demon’s mind, but he had learned that dipping his head, and obeying was far easier than not. if he kept his head down when it was needed, he wouldn’t have to deal with anything unnecessary, and he could do as he pleased. he thrived on that freedom – even more so these days. “or the choice to obey or rebel.” he sucked a deep breath in and let it out slowly. “i’d rather have no choice than to chose.” as the other option could have been far worse than the one he was forced into.
Hellfirebound 